Teaser
In the silence of the night, that’s when Elora’s voice is clear and unfiltered, which is tuned out by the loud noises and chattering during the daylights. In her pajamas, she pedaled her bike to a convenience store to buy her comfort food: strawberry milk. Only to realize that maybe it takes a couple of conversations with the convenience store’s crew, Arthur, to sort out herself and the whys of the universe.
I
The honking of the cars; the sound from its engines, the screeching of the wheels; the people’s steps in their different shoes on crosswalks; the chattering at the canteen, discussions inside the classroom; the murmurs in the corridors; the busy streets and establishments; the queues in front of an ATM machine near a bank.
It’s during the daylights that reality lives and breathes. Where people are alive and awake, continuing the cycle and the mundane routines. For Elora, her days are like nights, as if she’s living in a dream; a continuous dream. It’s too absurd to think about being awake but felt like you’re dreaming.
Para siyang isang hawla na walang laman na palakad-lakad at humihinga sa buong araw.
Elora couldn’t sleep. It was one of those nights she barely slept and her insomnia was kicking in. She was really tired but her mind was elsewhere. She changed her position. Gumilid siya at blangkong nakatitig sa nakabukas na bintana.
Sinasayaw ng hanging-gabi ang kurtina. Ang tanging tanglaw lang sa kuwarto niya ay ang liwanag ng buwan. She could see the distant city lights and buildings, the light from the houses below, and the dark foliage near her neighborhood.
Nasa uphill area ang bahay ng pamilya ni Elora kung kaya’t nakikita niya ang mga tanawin sa baba.
Tahimik ang gabi. Tanging huni lang ng mga kuliglig, tunog ng ceiling fan sa kuwarto niya, at hanging-gabi ang ingay. Ibang-iba ang ingay sa gabi sa araw.
She could tune out her voice during the day, while she couldn’t during the night. Sa araw, nakakalimutan niya ang mga bagay na bumabagabag sa kanya pagsamantala. The noises were her distractions from the things that dragged her down to the pit of the abyss. But she couldn’t lie to herself inside that room. Ang kuwartong saksi ng lahat. This is where her rawness resided. The boring side of her. The ‘me’ she’s afraid to show. She has only the nights to spend this side of her.
Bahaw siyang natawa. Blangko ang mga mata.
She pulled the curtains and closed her windows. Dinampot niya ang purse niya sa night table at humakbang palabas ng kuwarto. Tanging cardigan lang ang patong sa suot niyang pares ng pajamas.
Kabisado ni Elora ang pasikot-sikot sa bahay kaya kahit madilim gawa ng walang ilaw ay nagawa niya makababa nang maayos sa hagdan. Kumapit lang siya sa balustre bilang gabay niya sa mga baitang.
Katulad nang dati, nakakabingi ang katahimikan sa bahay pagtapak niya sa baba.
Their family’s house is huge, with enough rooms for the family to fill but was empty now. Siya lang ang may tao sa bahay at kung ano man ang mangyayari sa kanya, walang pamilyang makakaalam agad.
She locked the door of the house. Tinungo niya ang garahe upang hanapin ang bisikleta niya. Madali lang makita dahil iyon lang ang nasa garahe. No cars. No other vehicles. Just her bicycle. The garage had used to had a car or cars inside, until it’s empty now. Ang bisikleta niya na lang ang natira.
Tulak-tulak niya ang bisikleta palabas ng gate. Sinarado niya iyon, securing the lock.
Pakonsuwelo na lang na mahigpit ang security sa village nila kaya hindi basta-basta ang mga tao o mga sasakyan ang pumapasok roon. Knowing that she’s the only person inside that huge house. A house that she’s no longer consider a home. Everyone’s left, except her and although it’s her decision, she sometimes feel that they only leave because it’s convenient for them to leave her as soon as she reached college.
She embraced the cold wind of the night as she pedaled her bike. Mga ilaw lamang sa mga poste ang tanglaw sa daan na tinatahak niya. Mga kotse lamang na nakaparke sa gilid ang nasa may kalsada. Walang umaandar. Halos walang ilaw ang nanggaling sa mga bahay na nadadaanan niya, palatandaan na tulog na ang mga tao.
How I wish I could sleep normally like them. bulong ni Elora sa sarili.
Isa lang ang direksiyon ng bisikleta na tinatahak niya. The nearest convenience store in their village. Open for twenty-four hours which is quite her to-go place this late of the night. It’s the only establishment that has its lights on. Minsan, pumupunta siya sa convenience store upang tumambay o magpalipas ng antok. Insomnia has always been her companion and enemy.
Sa glasswall ng convenience store, makikitang walang tao sa loob. Tanging ang crew lang na nasa counter. As she push the glass door, a faint smile crept up her face. The crew glanced at her.
Hindi ko masyadong maaninag ang buong mukha nito sa suot nitong cap. Mukhang ito ang may-ari ng librong nakabukas sa may counter.
It took her few nights to recognized his face. Noong una, hindi lang niya pinapansin hanggang sa napagtanto niya na iba na pala ang lalaking nagsw-swipe ng items na binibili niya roon.
Nakita na ni Elora ang lalaki sa university at siguro, ilang taon lang ata ang tanda nito sa kanya. Mukhang kaklase niya ito sa isang subject. He was almost unnoticeable but his old book bag caught her eye.
Maybe, he recognized her knowing that her circle of friends was loud and quite popular inside the campus. Subalit hindi sigurado si Elora. Sometimes, she felt like a wallflower in that group. The guy seems to be the type of person who didn’t care about those things – the trends, the latest university news, city gossip, etc. Just the usual stuff that everyone talks about.
She’s not even a head-turner type of a girl either. Siya ang huling mapapansin sa clique nila.
Gaya ng nakasanayan, kumuha siya ng carton box ng yogurt drink na strawberry and flavor at pack ng chocolate chip cookies. Tinungo niya ang counter at inilagay roon ang mga items. He just scanned the items, with that unreadable expression and eyes almost covered by his uniform cap. When she paid for the items, she gathered the courage to ask him about something.
Why not strike up a conversation when we are just alone here? No one’s watching and no one will know how insane the words I uttered.
“Why do people assume what they are seeing outwardly? Are you the type of a person who didn’t check the contents of the product or even the expiry label?” He blinked a few times, probably, registering that she was talking to him. He could see the confusion building up in his eyes but it vanished in the thin air.
Ang random ba naman ng mga salita niya. Ni walang ‘Hi’, ‘Hello’. Diretso na kaagad sa kung ano ang tinatakbo ng utak niya.
Elora didn’t expect an answer from him. Baka iniisip nitong napaka-out of this world ang tanong niya na totoo naman.
“Uh, maybe, they are not interested to know because they know it already. I guess, the taste of the items?” Tila may tonong pagtatanong ang sinabi nito sa dulo.
She noticed how his eyes squinted, also confused with his answer. But she got his point. People didn’t check it because they already had the taste. And the process and what it made of didn’t matter. She didn’t reply and waited for him to continue. “But I guess, it’s better to know where it’s coming from or what it’s made of because it matters too.”
Bahagyang napangiti si Elora sa sagot nito. The latter words were being delivered gently as if patting her shoulder. Malumanay ito magsalita at di makakaila ang gentle nature nito na kahit siguro makatabi ito, gagaan ang pakiramdam. He has that kind of aura.
Hindi na niya binalot ang mga pinamili ko dahil doon lang naman siya kakain. She paid for it and he gave her the change.
“Thank you,” She replied with a smile, pertaining to the items I bought. Mas nagpasalamat siya sa pagsagot nito sa tanong niya. Kahit ang weird niyon.
She almost laughed inwardly, knowing that my friends would probably freak out about how weird her questions or her thoughts were.
She only know his name because of his nameplate. Doon nakatuon ang mga mata niya. “Arthur, right?”
Marahan itong tumango.
“I’m Elora. Classmate ata kita sa isang subject. Sa Philosophy, I guess? Nice to see you here.” Bigla, parang hindi niya alam ang gagawin niya. Is it to shake his hand or not? She managed to put an awkward smile.
Ibinaba nito ang suot nitong uniform cap. Lumadlad ang medyo magulo nitong bangs sa noo nito at bahagyang kulot iyon. “Nice to meet you too, Elora.”
They were just looking at each other after a few seconds. Elora was smiling and Arthur was too.
After an awkward silence, she sauntered to the nearest table and sank down on the small chair. She ate the chocolate cookies and yogurt drink through the straw while staring outside the glass wall of the convenience store.
She silently sighed, from all the things whirling inside her head. She checked the label contents of the fresh milk and then the expiry label. Both items have expiration dates.
Expiration dates. It reminds her of death. A morbid analogy.
You have to throw away the expired products, never to be seen again. Like dead bodies. Even though, we have rituals to bury it properly. That didn’t change the fact that we threw it, and discarded it. Wala na iyong kaluluwa. The body had no use. An empty shell.
Nalukot ang kanyang ilong. Why was she even thinking about dead bodies?
Isang oras din siyang nanatili roon. From the corners of her eyes, she noticed him reading a book with that serious expression.
She’s beginning to love the silence since a few years back. In a way, it reveals the product contents she had in herself matter how trivial it is. The voice in her seems so loud in this silence.
She threw her trash in the trash bin near the counter and went outside of the convenience, only stealing a glance at who was still busy in his book.
She released a sigh of relief when she went outside of the convenience store. She’s not really a fan of staying long in a room with AC. It was a distant memory. Naalala pa niya ang panahong unang beses nakatikim ng AC ang bahay nila at doon rin nagsimula ang pagbabago.
Niyakap niya ang sarili niya nang umihip ang malamig na hangin. Mas malamig talaga ang hangin sa uphill area kaysa sa baba.
Tinungo niya ang bike niya at lumulan na roon. She’s holding the handle when he took a glance at her from the glasswall. Maliit ang ngiting kinawayan niya ito.
He only managed to nod.
II
Elora had an unsettling feeling when she woke up from a dream. It was a vivid dream of herself drowning in the dark and deep ocean. Tila nandoon ang kaluluwa niya. It was like the currents pulled her under, deeper into that lonely and wild ocean. A slow death.
Nanginginig siya nang magising. Nang sulyapan niya ang wall clock, alas siyete na ng gabi. Diretso siyang nakatulog dahil sa pagod.
She was gasping for air, as if she was really out of the ocean, away from her drowning body. It was so vivid that it affected her senses. The feeling of drowning in the ocean caught up to her when she was showering. Mabilis siyang naligo at nagbihis.
Nakatulala na lamang siya sa kawalan habang nakikinig ng musika sa kanyang cellphone. Maingay ang GC ng mga kaibigan at hinahanap siya ng mga ito. Pinatay na lamang niya ang gadget upang hindi siya ma-contact ng mga ito. The constant eating out every lunch and the getaway at some places can be tiring and expensive for her, but it’s the only way to fill that gap yet at the back of her mind, was it really worth it? Does it makes her happy?
Then, she thought about the convenience store. It was nine o’clock in the evening when she decided to go there. Wala na muna siyang balak matulog ulit dahil sa panaginip na iyon.
Napangiti si Elora nang makita si Art roon na abala sa pag-aayos ng mga items sa mga estante. May hot water machine at naka-on iyon kaya noodle cup ang kinuha niya, ramen. She was on her way to the counter when Art went back to punch in her item.
“Salamat,” she said with a chaste smile when he gave her the change. He just nodded. “Ay wait, may kutsara kayo rito? Nakalimutan ko. Dito ako kakain.”
“Meron.”
“Isa.”
Nagpasalamat siya ulit rito at tinungo ang machine. She opened the lid halfway put the seasonings pushed the faucet and let the warm water hit the noodles. Naghintay na muna siya nang ilang minuto, nakatingin lang sa labas ng convenience. She was facing the glass wall, staring at the dark corners of the village while savoring the strong aroma of the ramen noodles. Umuusok pa nga nang alisin niya ang lid.
Natagpuan ni Elora ang sariling sinipon sa ramen noodles. Maanghang ang ramen noodles at pag maanghang, sinisipon siya. Mabuti na lamang may tissue na kasama ang plastic spoon. She was eating noodles and sipping the soup when she noticed that Art seated next to her, a few inches away. Nasa katabing table ito at siopao ang kinakain.
He yawned and spoke, “Kailangan ko pang mag-aral para sa exam.” Humikab pa ulit ito at bahagyang napangiti si Elora nang maalala ang kanyang mga kaibigan na nagyaya sa kanya kanina kung saan.
“At may ibang mga tao na gala ang inaatupag. Sabihing YOLO ngunit kalauna’y magsisisi naman dahil bagsak sa exam,” iiling-iling niyang sambit at humigop ng sabaw. Napaubo na naman siya sa anghang.
“Settling into a temporary bliss and cramming after that is not a good habit in the long run. May mga taong gusto ang results mismo ngunit hindi ganoon ka-willing magsakripisyo. Unwillingness to suffer the pain,” he said seriously while chewing on his food. Tila malalim ang iniisip nito. “And to sacrifice.”
“Temporary bliss is all I can afford now,” she said. His words were hitting a home. “Lahat naman tayo gustong maging masaya eh. Kung paano lang talaga makontento. The hole can get bigger.”
“What do you mean?”
They were just staring at the glass wall while conversing with each other and she’s contented with that.
“That hollow feeling inside me that grows everytime. Kahit na kasama ko ang mga kaibigan ko. It’s hard when you feel lonely when you are surrounded with your friends and family. Siguro kaya napanaginipan ko ‘yon.”
There was a silence between them after that.
“You can recall your dream?” he asked gently.
“Naalala ko ang mga panaginip ko. Even years ago ngunit hindi iyong tipo na may posibilidad na mangyari. Metaphorical.”
“Anong napanaginipan mo ngayon?”
“Drowning in the deep and dark ocean. Malamig at walang mahangin. Pag gising ko parang naranasan ko talagang malunod. Everything is saltwater.”
“Dreams are passageways of our unconscious mind. Are you suffocating?”
Natigilan si Elora at nagkasalubong ang mga mata nila ni Art. Malumanay itong napangiti.
“Sorry, I am not basing it on a dream but based on my observations. I can be wrong sometimes.”
“Hindi naman malayo. Yes, I am kind’a suffocating. At gusto kong lumayo. Gusto kong putulin lahat ng koneksyon. And then naisip ko, baka bukas magbago na naman ang desisyon ko. Baka magsisisi na naman ako sa desisyon ko. Sorry, am I blabbering too much? Ganito lang siguro ako kasi wala akong makausap na iba at gabi na. My mind is a mess when night strikes up.”
“It’s not selfish to stay away for a while, Elora.”
Elora smiled at Art. “Salamat. This convenience will be my comfort place and thank you for that.”
“Ikaw lang ang madalas na tumatambay rito sa convenience store at ayos na sakin makita kita dahil may aasikasuhin akong customer.”
“Kasama ang free therapy? I can be a safe space too.”
Napangiti na lamang ito sa sinabi niya. “You speak your mind here, huh?”
“It’s the blabbering Elora who experiences another vivid dream.”
***
May mga gabi na tahimik lang siyang kumakain sa loob ng convenience store. Since iyon lang ang establishment ang bukas at this time of the hour. Out there, she’s not the only one who’s still awake and dealing with her brain. This is the time when her thoughts slapped her. The things she ignored most of the time kept surfacing from the corners of her brain.
Minsan gusto na niyang sukuan ang pagiging overthinker niya at napaginipan na naman niyang nalulunod siya. Gumising siyang annoyed. Hanggang ngayon, naalala pa niya. Tila extended version ang panaginip niya ngayon dahil nasa kailaliman na siya ng karagatan kung saan kadiliman na ang nakikita niya. Half-alive. Half-dying.
She shook her head and sighed. She brought a book to distract herself.
It was raining outside the convenience store. The darkness outside didn’t compare to the darkness of the ocean.
One of the reasons why she stayed up inside the convenience store was because she was afraid of herself, especially when they were alone in the house.
Hindi niya alam kung anong magagawa ko kapag nanatili siyang gising sa loob ng bahay.
The house was like a looming monster about to pounce on her with its haunted memories. The episodes of her life that I didn’t want to recall.
Tsaka, there’s Art in here. Kahit na hindi sila gaanong nag-uusap, ang isiping may tao siyang kasama ay sapat na upang kahit paano ay hindi mabigat ang ulap sa ibabaw ng ulo niya. That would probably freaked him out if he knew about that. Her staying here, to keep her sanity, with her presence.
He was leaning on his chair. Nakaangat ang ulo nito na tila may nakitang interesanteng bagay sa kisame. She stared at the carton box of yogurt drink she’s consuming.
“Do you know that I can’t get enough of this yogurt drink? Ito ang unang natikman ko after what happened years ago. It didn’t change what I was feeling inside that time but it somehow comforted me,” She blurted out amid the silence and the pitter-patter of the rain outside.
Sa gilid ng mga mata niya, napalingon si Art sa kanya. It was audible enough for him to hear. “Do you have comfort food that gives impact to you? Like triggering your memory or sort of?”
*Am I? I don’t have the inhibitions to restrain myself from spilling my thoughts. Now that, I’m asking random questions a normal person wouldn’t ask a stranger. Also, I didn’t see judgments in his eyes.*
“Kahit ano na luto ng taong tinuring ko ng ina. She’s in heaven now. I was brought up in an orphanage.”
She was stunned for a split second when she saw his chaste smile. His eyes were like recalling those memories of his childhood.
She felt sick suddenly, knowing that other people have lots of worse in their lives. And here’s her, complaining and whining about things when others had it harder than herself.
“It’s a wonder how an aroma or smell arouses a certain memory in our brain through our olfactory nerves. And in my case, my gustatory.”
She leaned her arm on the table. Itinukod niya ang chin niya sa palad niya, nakatingin sa pagpatak ng ulan na tumatama sa glasswall. “Strange how it turned out like that.”
Tumayo ito mula sa pagkakaupo at kinuha ang libro mula sa book bag nito.
Elora have seen him at the chapel in their university. Hindi na niya ito nilapitan dahil kinuyog na siya ng mga kaibigan niya sa isang kainan.
“‘Yung amoy ng mga lumang libro. Kahit anong libro. Gustong-gusto ko ang amoy ng mga ito.” Nakatingin lang ito librong binubuksan nito. Lumang libro na iyon. “Would it be strange to smell it while you’re around?”
She smiled when he brought up the book next to his nose, burying his nose into the book. He’s a bookish guy. “No, it’s not. I’ve done strange things when my friends weren’t looking.”
She’s aware of his eyes inside their classroom, that he’s observing her with her friends.
Napasandal na lamang siya sa glasswall, nakaharap rito na nakatagilid ngayon sa kanya.
“May mga times na humihiwalay ako sa kanila. It’s nice to visit a bookstore and smell the old books. Weird, pero binibili ko iyong librong may letter or dedication sa harap. Wondering who the old owner was. I’m enthralled by the idea of what is the history of that particular book. Was it left unread by the owner? Was it rejected as a gift? Discarded?”
She squeezed her carton box. Ubos na ang yogurt drink niya.
“Pre-loved books even lasted for years. Shipped and travelled in between those years. Kung tao lang sila, masuwerte sila dahil nalibot na nila ang daigdig.”
Tipid lamang ang ngiti ni Art. Komportable siya kay Art. Parang ito iyong tipo ng taong hindi madaling magalit. Kumukunot lamang ang noo nito kapag seryuso sa ginagawa nito at madalas pag nag-aaral ito habang nagtatrabaho.
“And had different owners. Picked out by their owners. We as the new owner of that book. Baka, magsusulat ako ng letter sa susunod na magiging owner ng libro. Saying that in a way, this book rescued me. And I hope this book will rescue you.”
Her voice faltered when she thought of someone reading that letter she wrote in a book. “There’s so much history in pre-loved books.”
“Gusto mong i-trace ang history ng mga libro?” tanong nito, bahagyang itinaas ang libro na binabasa. “I’m guessing, the past owners of this book were curious how the world works.”
“Well, reading can take you anywhere. Enlighten you somehow.” She stood up from leaning on the glass wall. Tinapon niya lang ang walang lamang carton box. She needs another one. “Hey, anong gusto mong flavor sa drink na iyon?”
Surprised at how the topic changed, his eyes landed on a row of carton boxes in yellow. “The green apple.”
She arched my eyebrows. “Really? Hindi ko pa ‘yan nasubukan. At teka, may green apple flavor? Amazing. Nice nice.”
“Dahil sanay ka na sa berries flavor.” Naisingkit niya ang mga mata niya. He was right. Sanay siya sa yogurt drink na berries ang flavor. “Strawberry milk is your comfort zone.”
That’s a statement that held other meanings. She shrugged her shoulders and reached for the carton box of green apple flavor. Dalawa ang kinuha niya.
She placed the items on the counter and he swiped it.
“It’s hard to accept the changes all of a sudden. I have to adjust to new things. It’s a matter of how I react to it, and most of the time, I have to take it slowly. It’s overwhelming.” She experienced it and it left her this hollow and empty.
“Taking green apple won’t hurt. And by tasting it, napunta ka na sa ibang bagay,” he said playfully.
Nagbayad na lamang siya rito.
“Sa iyo na ito.” Marahan niyang tinulak ang isang carton box rito.
He just stared at the carton box and smiled. “Thanks.”
“That’s a reward for studying every day.”
That reminds her na malapit na ang exam week nila na famous sa iba na ‘hell week’. She dreaded for hours studying her finance and accounting books.
“Sige na. Masasayang lang ‘yan. My fave’s strawberry anyway,” she said.
He reluctantly reached the carton box. Nawawala na ang lamig niyon. Itinurok niya roon ang straw at sipped on it.
“It’s good,'” komento ko. Hindi niya mapigilan ang sarili niyang tingnan ang likod ng carton box. The product contents.
“It’s not bad to try new things from time to time apart from the things you’re used to doing,” makahulugan nitong sabi.
Nanatili lang siyang nakatayo roon, bahagyang nakasandal sa counter na sumuporta sa katawan niya. Nakatalikod siya kay Art habang umiinom ng strawberry.
“Is your boss around? Baka pagalitan ako na kinakausap ko ang employee niya. And I’m leaning on this counter.”
Nang-uunawang tumingin ito sa kanya, manning the cash register. His eyes were there but his words struck something in her. “Aren’t you tired of thinking what other people think of you?”
***
III
Elora found herself anticipating the random conversations with Art every night. He’s not on-duty during the Saturdays but she prefers to stay inside the convenience store.
Babae ang nasa harap ng cash register pero nanatili pa rin naman siya a loob ng store dahil ayaw pa niyang bumalik sa bahay na hindi pa siya inaantok.
Nights at convenience stores seemed like having another world of my own. The moment when she woke up from her daylight dream.
“I dreamt a lot.” Napangalumbaba siya sa mesa. Nasa katabing mesa niya si Art, nakasandal sa glasswall habang may kung anong sinusulat sa notebook nito. “I consider myself dreaming during the days when reality lives in. Odd, but that how it works for me.”
Hindi umimik si Art, nasa notebook pa rin ang atensiyon nito. Ang uniform cap nito ay nasa mesa lang. It’s two in the morning. Walang customer sa loob maliban sa kanya at ever since their random conversations, minsan sinasamahan niya ito roon.
“Why?” he asked and squinted his eyes on me.
“Parang lang akong naglu-lucid dream sa araw. I can do whatever I’m trying to picture out for myself, for others. Dream. Kasi hindi ako kombinsido kong nasa realidad pa rin ako. It’s like a dream for me.” Kulang na lang mapakamot siya sa ulo sa pinagsasabi niya. “Sorry, I don’t know if I’m making sense.”
“I admit, may pagkakataong naging blurry na lang sa akin ang lahat. The usual scenes during the days? Parang repeating dream lang siya sa akin. A continuing one. I’ve been thinking about this for days. This time of the hour?” she continued. Her eyes glanced at the store’s clock, near the counter. “It’s when everything sinks in. It’s when the other side of me, revealed herself. And I am not just having a split personality disorder.” And she faked a snicker.
He put down his notebook on the table and leaned on the glass wall. “The voice inside your head is the loudest at night. When all of the noises faded. Siguro magaling ka lang magtago.”
Napasandal na rin siya sa glasswall. Ipinatong ko ang mga binti ko sa upuan. Pahaba kasi ang upuan na puwede kong i-stretch ang mga paa ko. “Siguro nga? Nasanay na rin naman ako na ganoon ako most of the time. Napansin mo naman ako kasama ang mga kaibigan ko, di ba?”
Masayahin siya sa araw. Ang tipo ng taong nakahanda ang ngiti lagi sa kung sino ang makakasalubong nito. Nakasanayan niya na pero nang may magbago noong highschool, doon niya napagtanto na hindi ko na pala alam kung ang totoong siya ang ipinapakita niya sa ibang tao. Na baka hindi pala built-in ‘yung personality niya at nahubog lang ng pamilya niya, ng expectations nila, at expectations ng ibang tao. Nakakalunod sa totoo lang. When she first realized it, she didn’t know where to start again. She’s completely clueless. Her back-ups were carried away by the wind.
“You looked like you’re not the same person I’ve seen in university,” sabi nito. Isinuot niyang muli ang uniform cap nito.
She knew a certain quote. That people could somehow know you through your friends.
Art crossed his arms. Nasa harap lang ang mga mata nito. Dumako ang mga mata niya sa mga daliri niya.
“When I’m with them, that’s my comfort zone. Sometimes it sucks to stay for long in that zone. Kasi niloloko ko lang ang sarili ko, pretending that I’m still the same person they’ve known.” She shrugged her shoulders and sipped on her strawberry milk. She savored its tangy yet sweet taste. “Then, later on, the question arises. Sino ba ako? Ito ba talaga ako? Pag kasama ko sila, pakiramdam ko, parang unti-unti akong naglalaho.”
“They knew that version of you. Not this version of yourself. And no, it’s not having a split personality disorder. But you’re used to showing that old version of you.” he pointed out and she almost gasped. This one hits home. A faint smile crept up to her face. She shook her head in disbelief.
“Why do I feel like you’ve known me for so long?” biro niya rito. It’s crazy to realize that a stranger like him knew what she was implying, than the people around her most of the time.
“Hobby ko na ang aralin ang mga tao. I observed a lot. And I read a lot. Mga bagay na hindi abot ng ating pang-unawa.”
“Like the questions we ask about the universe that still has no answers.”
Mahina itong napatango. “Maybe. And I guess, you have to listen to your voice more than the voices around you. Tuned it out during the days.” Tumuwid ito nang upo sabay tukod ng isa nitong braso sa mesa. “Sabi, ang buhay ay parang bilog lang. Minsan, nasa ibaba ka. Minsan, nasa taas ka. It’s a cycle. Would you rather stay in a circle for long?”
“I… I don’t know,” tapat niyang sagot.
Nagpatuloy is Art. He mindlessly flipped the pages of his notebook.
“A circle is endless. Walang sulok. You can’t be stagnant for long. It’s either you’re down and you’re up. Hindi naman consistent ang mga araw natin. May mga araw na masaya tayo. May araw naman na hindi. Minsan, sa iisang araw, naranasan mo ang dalawa. Minsan, bigla mo na lang mararamdaman ang lungkot sa gitna ng kasiyahan. And you couldn’t explain why you’ve felt it.”
Tiningala nito ang kisame. He always raised his head as if he was contemplating about something. “I’ve seen a movie. Even though it’s hard, you can break the circle. To break the chains.”
Umuwi siyang mahapdi ang kanyang mga mata. Hindi pa rin siya dinadalaw ng antok. Art’s words stuck inside her head. Circle? How can she breaks the circle? Could she? Should she?
Ipinasok niya ang bisikleta niya sa garahe. Naghuhumiyaw ang grocery bags sa gilid ng pinto ng bahay. They’ve sent it to make them feel better about the situation and shw felt like throwing up the food she ate the entire day.
May nakaipit na note sa isang grocery bag. Ang tanging tanglaw lang upang mabasa niya ang nakasulat doon ay ang ilaw mula sa isang poste malapit sa bahay.
Baka wala ka ng stocks sa bahay. And maybe, you’re busy in your acads kaya binilhan na kita ng mga kakailanganin mo.
Nilukot niya ang papel. Nanubig ang mga mata niya. Bigla siyang nanghina’t napaupo sa harap ng pinto.
IV
Pagpasok niya pa lang sa convenience store, nakita niyang nagulat si Art nang makita ako. His eyes landed on her hair.
She’s wearing my usual pajamas. She didn’t care about her looks when she was around with Art. Ngayon pa ba siya mahihiya rito? Both of her worlds, day and night. He witnessed it all. She didn’t care if she looked stupid, messy, and crazy in front of Art. She’s tired of maintaining her almost perfect persona.
“Iritable ba ang kulay sa mga mata? Napagkatuwaan naming magpakulay ng buhok after exams. But I insisted na highlights lang.” pagdadahilan niya sa kanya. Halos ibagsak niya nang sarili niya sa upuan.
“Blue?” tukoy nito sa kulay ng buhok ko. Katulad nang dati, may libro na namang nakabukas sa counter.
She touched some strands of her hair. Blue nga ang kulay ng highlights na hindi agad mahahalata sa dilim. Almost unnoticeable, apart from the hair colors of her friends. “Yeah, because I’m blue. Pun intended.”
That made him smile. “Strawberry milk?” Ito na mismo ang kumuha ng carton box sa fridge na nasa gilid lang ng counter.
Umiling siya. “I’m feeling blue so blueberry yogurt drink.”
Ibinalik nito ang strawberry milk at ang blueberry yogurt drink naman na carton box ang kinuha nito roon. Lumapit na siya sa counter at nagbayad na. Dinagdagan niya lang ng potato chips ang yogurt drink.
“Nagbabasa ka ba ng young adult novels?” she asked randomly. Nakatutok ang mga mata nuya sa librong nakalatag sa counter.
Marahan itong umiling. “Hindi. Madalang akong maligaw sa fiction. Madalas mga libro tungkol sa interests ko.”
Sukat sa sinabi nito ay sinilip niya ang cover ng librong binabasa nito. Theology, Philosophy, and Culture? That’s why, he could catch what she’s saying or blabbering about. Kaya pala, parang ang out of place ng dating nito sa klase nila na kadalasan na mga business students. He had that unique air of him, calm and serene-like.
“So you’re a philosophical kind of a guy who also wonders beyond the ordinary.”
“Sort of.”
She chuckled. “Sort of? Kaya pala hindi ka nagtatakbo sa pinagsasabi ko.”
“Being curious fuels me to understand more about humanity. Its connection to the Divine. Things we couldn’t comprehend that much. The unknown. The sublime.” he exclaimed.
Itinarak niya ang straw sa carton box. “Reading that kind of book makes me feel like I’m just a speck in the universe.”
“At wala talagang meaning ang life,” dagdag nito sa magaang tono. Almost in playful tone. She pursed her lips and sipped the yogurt juice. Nakasandal lang siya sa counter.
“Hindi ka naman mukhang Nihilist.” She narrowed her eyes at him. He shrugged his shoulders.
“Maybe not or maybe yes. Subjective ang meaning ng life. It’s you who can define it.” makahulugang sabi nito.
“Depende sa mood ko kung Nihilist ako ngayong gabi, Existentialist or Absurdist. But that didn’t change the fact na speck or spot lang tayo sa universe.”
“Are you this cynical at night?”
“My brain bites more at nights.” She smiled sheepishly. Natigil lang ito sa paglilinis ng counter nito nang hinila niya ang isang upuan para ilapit sa counter. “Tell your boss that I’m a reformed psycho kaya kung ano-ano na lang ang pinaggagawa ko rito.”
Kumaway lang siya sa camera na nakasabit sa itaas ng counter. “Hi, manager! I may be a depressive cinnamon roll in pajamas who suffers from existential crisis but I’m completely harmless. Kinakausap ko lang ang employee mo para hindi siya antukin.”
“My mind is alive when I’m reading this one.” He raised the book. He seemed amused by what she did in front of the camera.
“It’s the other way for my friends. Reading that would make them fall asleep in the middle of the class.” She grinned and sat on the chair, still holding her carton box.
“May nabasa akong libro. Natapos ko lang kanina. Hindi kasi pumasok ang isang prof namin at pinabasa lang kami ng three chapters ng libro namin. But instead of opening the textbook, I continued reading that book instead.” paglalahad niya. Kahit na nakatutok ang mga mata ni Art sa libro niya ay mukhang nakikinig naman siya sa akin.
“Nang matapos ko. Parang gusto ko na lang ibato ang libro. It’s a good book. Pero parang gusto ko talaga siyang itapon.” Nakita niya lang sa Book recommendation groups ang libro at magaganda naman ang reviews kaya sinubukan niya.
Instead of dining in with her friends in a middle class restaurant, she went to Fully-Booked to check if the bookstore have that book. Nang makita niya, kaagad niyang binili ang libro. Hindi na niya binalikan ang mga kaibigan niya sa restaurant at diretso na sa isang coffee shop. She lied that she went home.
“Bakit gusto mong itapon? Ano ba ang takbo ng kuwento?” tanong nito.
“It deserved to be in jail!” protesta niya na sabay hampas pa sa counter. He blinked a few times, a bit taken aback by her outburst. “Para akong na-scam.”
“You said that it’s good book. Paanong scam?” Hindi naman ito mukhang confuse kung bakit ganito ang reaksiyon niya.
Eksaheradong pinandilatan niya ito ng mga mata. Kumibot-kibot ang mga labi niya nang maalala ang denouement ng libro. “That everything will fall into its right places eventually. And duh! Hindi kaya ganoon kadali. Not everything will be okay in just a matter of waking up. Not everything will work out just like that. May mga realistic elements naman but I just can’t digest na hahawi agad ang mga ambon. You just have to live with the depression, with the sick feeling and wounds you’re carrying. You can feel happy while carrying those things. Hindi naman magic na mawawala ang bigat. It’s still lurking in the deep recessess of your heart, or your brain. Hindi lang siya ganoon ka-visible pag masaya ka.”
“Kaya tingin ko scam talaga ang libro. Pinaasa lang talaga ako.”
“Gigil?” She rolled her eyes. Bahagya itong lumayo nang akmang hahampasin niya ito ng potato chips na di pa niya nabubuksan.
“Kasi naman!” Napairap na naman siya nang may maalala. She sighed. Pinanggigilan niya na lang ang yogurt drink niya. “Fine. The concept of Schrodinger’s cat and parallel universes. At may possibility na may parallel lives ka. An alternate universe of your life. What if it’s true? Kaya tingin ko, pinaasa lang talaga ako ng librong iyon. Who doesn’t want to try switching lives of your parallel selves?”
“Schrodinger’s cat is a concept of possibility. Either you’re alive or dead at the same time. A concept of choices. The fate of the hypothetical cat is linked to an event that may occur or not. Is it the thought of choosing to go to sleep or not? Because deep talks at night were better than dealing with it alone inside your room?” She huffed at what he said.
“Sabi mo nga, possibility. Paano pala kung hindi iyon nangyari noon? Would it be different now? I got that answer from the book. It may be different but it wouldn’t stay the same or at least, not to your expectations. It could’ve been worse.”
“And would you rather switch your life to your parallel life in the other universe?” he asked. He closed his book and pulled a chair. Naupo ito roon.
Isinandal niya naman nang bahagya ang ulo niya sa edge ng counter. “What if I’m better in my parallel life? I can try living my other life.”
“Magiging masaya ka ba?” tanong nito. Napatayo siya’t kinuha ang gunting katabi ng mga candies. Ginunting niya ang balot ng potato chips sa gitnang bahagi.
“Hindi ko alam.”
“Switching your life to your parallel life will disrupt the order. That would mean, that parallel life will live your life now.”
“And she will deal with problems here.”
“Paano kung mas malala pala ang parallel self mo.”
“Bakit pakiramdam ko, nabasa mo na ang librong binabasa ko.”
Umiling lang ito. “Hindi ko pa ‘yan nababasa. Naisip ko lang na magugulo kapag nakipag-switch ka sa parallel self mo. Paano kung kasal na pala siya at may mga anak na tapos matatagpuan niya ang sarili niya sa isang convenience store, kausap ang isang binata. No traces of a family. It would scared her wits.”
Napanganga na lang siya sa espekulasyon nito. “Grabe ka!”
“Parang dinagdagan mo lang ang problema mo eh. Living other life. Living a lie. Alam mong hindi mo buhay ang ginagalawan mo.”
“Wow! Hindi ka rin masakit magsalita.” She sarcastically said. Naiiling na napangiti na lang siya. “Sometimes, mas gusto ko na lang na hindi ka nagsasalita at nakikinig ka na lang sa mga pinagsasabi ko.”
V
“Sana main character na lang ako sa YA novels.” usal niya. Nakatulala lang siya sa tanawin sa labas.
“Concern ako sa eyebags mo. Lagi ka na lang napupuyat kakapunta rito.” Napalingon siya kay Art na nag-aayos ng mga items sa mga estante. Ang mga bakante roon ay nilagyan niya ng mga panibagong stocks.
“Look who’s talking. Lagi ka rin namang puyat. May klase ka pa sa hapon niyan. Pareho tayong may eyebags rito.”
“I can manage.” he answered, his back to her. Patamad na hinihila nito ang basket na may lamang bagong stocks.
May mga gabing napapansin niya antok na antok ito pero pinipigilan lang nitong ipikit ang mga mata nito. Kaya minsan, dinadaldal niya lang ito. At siya naman, hindi pa rin nakakatulog until 4 am. May mga gabi naman na hindi siya nagtatagal lalo na kung tinamaan na siya ng antok. She wouldn’t let it slip so she waved goodbye to Art. When he was not in duty, she just stayed outside of the house. Kahit na kapalit niyon ay pinapapak siya ng mga lamok.
“Kung sana ganoon na lang kadali ano? May sidekick ako na bestfriend ko. And like other YAs out there, I have tragic parents.” Natigil siya sa paglagay ng mga items sa estante. He glanced at her frowning face.
Pakonsuwelo na lang ang mga natatanggap niyang grocery items sa sitwasyon ng pamilya niya. Even clothes from department stores. Random gifts. Tinititigan niya lang ang mga pinamigay ng mga ito nang matagal. Hindi basta-basta matatapalan ang kahungkagan na nararamdaman niya sa mga bagay na basta na lamang nilang nilagak sa kanya.
And she’s avoiding them. She always made sure she was not home when they were sending those gifts to her.
There was a complete silence between them after that. They were really into conversing more about their circle, like family. Nakatalikod pa rin si Art sa kanya, inaayos ang mga items. At naalala niyang galing ito sa orphanage. Nabanggit nito ang tungkol roon noong isang gabi pero hindi na nasundan pa.
Hindi tulad ng dati na complete silence lang, ngayon may music na sa loob ng convenience store. Napansin niya iyon noong pumunta ako rito sa umaga. At iba ang crew na nasa cash register. Sa gabi lang ang duty ni Art.
“Ikaw ba ang may kontrol sa playlist rito sa gabi?” pag-iiba niya ng topic.
“Oo, ako.”
“Nice.” Nakinig siya sa lyrics ng kanta. “I know this song. Sa Ocean Eyes album to ah. You’re a fan?”
“Since highschool.”
“Shocking, I am too since the release of Vanilla Twilight,” She grinned. “That explains the choice of your songs. It suits the silent evening. Slow-burning and surreal-like. Ayaw mo ng mundane songs?”
“Like what?”
Nagkibit-balikat ako. “Uh? Love songs?”
“The old ones.” So, he’s an old soul. “You’re considering love songs as mundane songs huh?”
“Bakit? Love songs are too common. Though, love is not worldly the things that are related to it are earthly. Like flowers and chocolates during Valentine’s Day. Sa bitters, love could be mundane.” She explained, more like convincing herself of her point. “I can create a mundane playlist.”
“Mundane playlist? Of what?”
“Of Whys.” Then a brilliant idea came to her mind. Kinapa niya ang bulsa ng maong shorts niya. This time, hindi siya naka-pajama. Lumalagpas ang lamig ng gabi sa balat niya at manipis masyado ang pajamas. Rainy season pa naman ngayon.
She released a sigh of relief nang makitang nadala niya ang handy notepad at may maliit na ballpen na nasa loob ng spring niyon. Isinulat niya roon ang mga kantang naisip niya. Mundane nga pero hindi naman mundane-like ang mga kantang pinagsusulat niya sa notepad. She focused on the word ‘whys’.
“Ayaw mo ng hugot songs?” baling niya kay Art. Blanko lang ang expression sa mukha nito. From the looks of it, ayaw niya ng hugot songs. She was messing with him. “Okay fine, ayaw mo ng hugot songs.”
“Wala naman akong mahuhugot doon.” hirit nito at natawa siya roon.
“Nice pun.” She heard him grin.
Lumipat ito sa kabilang estante. Nakaharap na ito sa kanya at ang mga mata lang nito ang nakikita niya.
Pumainlanlang ang isa na namang kanta sa album.
“Hey, buong album ba ang nilagay mo sa playlist rito?” Nagkibit-balikat lang si Art. Napansin niya ang bahagyang pag-angat ng mga labi nito tanda na sinadya nga niyang i-play lahat ng kanta na nasa album. One of advantages of working in night shift duty in a convenience store.
“This is one of my favorite. Sila ang end game pero time is not enough for them.” Naitukod niya ang mga siko sa mesa, nakatitig sa mga kantang isinulat niya sa notepad.
“Maybe, the girl is only his illusion.”
Naibaba niya ang notepad niya. “What? You interpreted it that way?”
“Kind of.” Naghintay siya sa sasabihin pa nito. “Or a ghost he met on the seashore and they spent the night as waters surrounded them.”
“A serendipity with a ghost? That can be a future reference for a story.” She mused.
“You’re a writer?”
Umiling siya. Sinulat niya ang huling kanta na parte ng Mundane Playlist. “I am a writer in my head. Tapos na!”
Itinaas niya ang notepad at pinilas ang pahina kung saan nakasulat ang mga kanta. Nakangiting nilapitan niya si Art na patapos na pag-aayos ng mga items sa estante.
“Here.” She reached for the pocket of his polo. Nirolyo niya ang ang papel para sumakto sa bulsa ng polo nito.
She smiled at him when he looked at her. “Play it when I’m around.”
Kulang na lang kaltukan siya nito sa paraan ng tingin nito. Nanatili lang siyang nakangiti. “Please.”
“I dreaded the day you changed into neon highlights,” he said instead and sauntered to the next shelf.
He was referring to her hair again. Na green na naman ang highlights. Napahawak siya sa strands ng buhok niyang may green na kulay. She’s considering the neon highlights.
VI
She smiled like a stereotypical dumb blonde Art’s eyes bulged when he noticed the neon highlights the moment she entered the store.
“You didn’t,” he exclaimed in disbelief. And she laughed at his reaction.
“Yes, I did.” She sing-songed. She had liberty to change the color of the highlights because the semester had already ended. Stress na stress siya sa exams kaya nasa bahay lang siya hanggang sa abutin siya ng madaling araw.
Hindi na siya nakakapunta rito sa store dahil masyado siyang focus sa pag-aaral. May choice naman siyang mag-study sa loob ng store pero hindi siya totally makaka-focus dahil kakausapin niya lang si Art. At alam kong muddled rin ito dahil sa exams.
Rare specimen pa naman ito sa campus nila. Bihira lang ang mga taong kukuha ng kursong kinuha nito. Theology.
Kumuha siya ng strawberry milk sa fridge. Kahit na business establishment ang convenience store, parang ginawa niya na itong bahay-tambayan. She casually opened the door of the fridge and picked whatever she wanted. Kaswal lang din ang pagkuha niya sa isang chocolate bar sa isang estante.
“When you saw a jaywalking stop sign or a fire alarm? Anong unang papasok sa isip mo?” tanong niya rito habang inaasikaso nito ang pinamili niya.
“Signs that you must, or must, not,” he said, accepting her payment.
“Really? I’m disappointed.” She joked. Umarko lang ang mga kilay nito nang tanggapin nito na ang items niya. “Noong sinabi mong ayaw mong makitang neon ang highlights ng buhok ko. The urge that I felt, the rebellious streak inside of me tells me to do the other way around.”
“Kaya may nahuhuling nag-jajaywalking dahil sa sinasabi mong urge,” naiiling nitong pahayag.
“Hello? Hindi ka kailanman na-tempt na pindutin ang fire alarm sa school ninyo?” usisa ko. I’m trying to bait him.
“Ayoko pang ma-expel.” Pinandilatan siya nito. “I don’t do things that I might regret later on.”
“We just can’t make wise decisions all the time.”
“Kasama ba roon ang pagpindot ng fire alarm kahit na wala namang nangyayaring sunog?” He looked like it’s a stupid to push the fire alarm button.
“Alam mo, kj mo. Hindi mo ba naranasang magpaka-loose kahit isang beses sa buhay mo?” Nandilat na naman ang mga mata niya. Wag mong sabihing hindi ito nakagawa ng kalokohan sa tanang buhay nito?
“Why are you looking at me like that? Masyado bang kakaiba sa iyo na hindi ako naging loose sa tanang buhay ko?”
“Are you a saint?” Naningkit naman ang mga mata nito roon at bahagya siyangg natawa. Sa itsura nito, parang gusto na nitong palabasin siya sa store. She cleared her throat. “Sorry. It’s just that odd.”
“I can assure you that my life is not linear. I still make mistakes and I have shared of shortcomings. Pero hindi ang pumindot ng fire alarm na wala namang sunog. That’s just stupid.”
Itinarak niya ang straw sa carton box. “Stupid? Maybe, I’m stupid for thinking that I want to push the fire alarm button.”
“It might be satisfying to push the button but you have to deal with the consequences later on.”
“Then.” She mimicked a burst of fireworks with her hands. “Suddenly, the adrenaline rush and the excitement vanished liduststs in the air.”
“Exactly.” Hawak-hawak ang carton box. Naglakad-lakad siya sa aisle, tinitingnan ang mga items roon. Nagpatuloy naman si Art sa pagsusulat nito sa isang record book.
Sa university, kapag nasa iisang lugar lang sila ni Art. Tinginan at tanguan lang ang ginagawa nila. Even inside the classroom where we were classmates in Philosophy subject. Hindi siya nito nilalapitan at hindi rin niya ito nilalapitan. They were practically strangers but inside the convenience store, they were like two lost souls, trying to keep themselves awake. Maybe, she was more lost than him.
“Are you somehow dejected in the university when I’m not trying to talk to you? Do you ever wonder why?” malumanay niyang tanong rito. Sandali itong napatigil at napabaling sa kanya.
“No. Why would I? Ako rin naman. Hindi kita nilalapitan.” he answered.
“That’s because obvious sa body language ko na ayaw kong nilalapitan mo ako.”
“I didn’t try to.”
“Iniisip mo ba na I care about my image? With my friends? Na kapag nilapitan mo ako, magtataka sila at magtatanong kung bakit magkakilala tayo?”
In between her meals, naiisip niya ang tungkol sa bagay na iyon. Na paano kung iisipin nitong ganoon nga ang dahilan niya kung bakit hindi niya ito nilalapitan at kinakausap. Because all she cared about was her reputation and image at school?
“No,” walang-gatol nitong sagot. “Mas mabuti nang ganoon. I don’t think I can handle your friends. There will be strings of questions after that. At di ko alam kung paano sasagutin ang mga tanong nila.”
Kahit papaano ay nakahinga siya nang maluwag. She felt bad for ignoring Art in the university.
“Do you see yourself as a person who cares about your image and reputation?” Art knew the answer yet he asked her again.
She randomly picked a noodle cup on a shelf. “I did. I have to be. I was raised like that. Caring about my image in school. I had a bad experience in high school that I don’t want to repeat again. I was bullied.”
Naalala niya kung paano siya layuan ng mga schoolmates niya dahil lang ginawa niya lang kung ano ang tama. Ngunit nabaliktad ang sitwasyon at siya ang mali. She had to stay away not to cause some conflicts. She lossed her friends. Brand new start sa kanya ang college kung saan wala nang nakakilala sa kanya sa highschool. Kung meron man, wala na itong pakialam. She teasured her friends now and even though, she’s not that agreeable in her mind with their doings. She just let them and tolerated them.
“Isa pa, gusto kong tayo lang ang nakakaalam sa late night convos natin. Like hiding a secret. It’s a silly thought actually. Kapag nandito ako, tingin ko nasa ibang mundo ako. Another time warp. When I don’t care how messy my thoughts are.” I confessed. I noticed a protuding thing behind a stacks of noodle packs. “Chocolate bar? May nagtatago ng chocolate bar rito?” Kinuha niya ang chocolate bar sa likod ng noodle packs.
“Someone hides that. Palagay ko, papaubos na lang ang mga stocks ng brand ng chocolate na iyan kaya basta na lang itinago sa sulok.” Umalis si Art sa counter at nilapitan ito. She gave him the chocolate bar. He inspected it. “Baka may stocks pa ito sa stock room.”
“Ibalik ko na lang muna ito. Baka balikan ito nang sino mang nagtago nito.”
“Alam mo, kahit itago mo pa iyan. May iba pa ring taong makakapansin. Keeping the chocolate bar doesn’t mean it’s meant for the keeper to eat.” His forehead creased. “Ano na naman ang pumasok sa isip mo?”
“Nothing.” makahulugan niyang sambit saka ibinalik ang chocolate bar sa kinuhanan niya kanina.
VII
Maambon nang lumabas siya ng bahay. She was wearing a cream flowy dress, its edges were below her knee. She managed to pedaled the bike to the convenience store. Ipinarada niya sa labas ang bisikleta.
Just when she was about to enter the store. Bigla na lang naglandas ang kidlat sa madilim na kalangitan. At napapitlag si Art dahil doon.
“Holy c—” Natakpan nito ang bibig nito. Nanlalaki ang mga matang napatingin ito sa kanya. Nalukot ang ilong niya. Kulang na lang mamutla ang isang ito sa kidlat kasabay ng kulog.
“I know. My hair is a mess and I looked like a panda. Mukha akong multo. Fine.” Patamad siyang naupo sa upuan roon na hinila niya lang.
“Ikaw ang may sabi niyan.” Gumuhit na naman ang kidlat sa kalangitan kasunod ang kulog. At dahil nasa uphill area sila ay rinig na rinig nila ang dagundong ng kulog.
“You look . . . terrible,” he commented. And she scowled.
“Yeah, thanks,” She sarcastically answered. She raised her hand. Napatingin lang si Art doon, nagtataka. She wriggled her hand. “May tissue ka? Pahingi.”
Dinampot nito ang isang roll ng tissue roon at ibinigay nito sa kanya. Ginamit niya iyon upang linisin ang mukha niyang may smudges ng eyeliner. “Ayoko talagang may nilalagay akong kung ano-ano sa mga mata ko. Mahapdi. Hindi ko naman sila matanggihan because duh! Friends’ goals! Sucks.”
She knew that she was cranky and a little bitchy now.
“Sanay ka nang pahirapan ang sarili mo,” Art pointed out and she rolled her eyes while still cleaning her face with the tissue. “May wipes ako rito. Baka masugatan mo pa ang mukha mo kakalinis gamit ang tissue.”
Sinalo niya ang initsang wipes ni Art at ipinalit sa tissue. “Okay, hindi na ako magdedeny. Madalas kong pahirapan ang sarili ko. Maybe, it’s my default.”
“Strawberry milk?” he offered. Narinig niya itong binuksan ang pinto ng fridge.
“Harder than the strawberry milk. May flavoured beer ba diyan? ‘Yan na lang.”
“Was it so bad kaya trip mong mag-beer ngayon?” Ito na mismo ang nag-swipe ng beer. Lumapit na siya sa counter at basta na lamang nag-itsa ng perang papel sa counter. Napatingin si Art doon. “Hindi ka naman galit sa pera, di ba?”
“I’m sorry.” A weak sorry from her. Art’s eyebrows furrowed, curious about why she’s uptight now.
Mariin niyang ipinikit mga mata niya nang maalala ang pagkikita nila ng nanay niya kanina. In-ambush siya nito sa mall kasama ang mga kaibigan niya at nagulat na lang siya na nasa harap na sila ng Greenwich. She winced inwardly when she saw the ‘Greenwich’ signage. It reminded her of her childhood when they we’re a complete family, dining inside the establishment. But that was all in the past. She couldn’t manage her stoic expression for too long in front of her mother who abandoned her. They abandoned her.
“Was it easy for you to forgive people who abandoned you?” She asked. Mahigpit ang pagkakahawak ko sa cold beer.
“My parents abandoned me in front of an orphanage.” Nanlamig siya doon. He said like it occurred a long time ago.
“Marami akong tanong. Hinanap ko sila noong highschool. I traced everything but would it make a difference? Mapapanatag ba ang loob ko? Magiging masaya ba ako sa malalaman? Sumama lang lalo ang loob ko.” Bigla akong nalungkot. Why do parents left their child? To earn their happiness? At wala ang happiness na iyon sa anak nila? Hindi ba nila naiisip kung ano ang magiging epekto niyon sa bata?
“I realized that in front of my birth mother’s house. Sa bintana, nakita ko siyang kalong-kalong ang isang sanggol. Nasa tabi ang kanyang asawa. Kung anuman ang dahilan kung bakit iniwan niya ako sa orphanage ay hindi ko na inalam. Minsan, mas maiging bitawan ko na lang ang bagay na iyon,” malumanay nitong dugtong.
Kumulog at kumidlat na naman. Unti-unting bumuhos ang ulan.
“I’m sorry,” Ang tanging naiusal niya. Nangilid ang mga luha sa mga mata niya. Napakurap-kurap siya at binuksan na lamang ang canned beer.
“Alam kong may dahilan kung bakit niya ako iniwan. Kung bakit ipinagkatiwala niya ako sa orphanage. You know what? It didn’t matter now. Kahit hindi ko kadugo ang nagpalaki at nag-alaga sa akin, wala naman akong naramdamang kakulangan. Akala ko lang may kulang sa akin. I am not that happy and excited when I saw my birth mother,” malungkot siyang ngumiti. “Ang unang pumasok sa isip ko ay ang bumalik sa orphanage sa piling mga taong nagbigay ng liwanag at kasiyahan sa akin. It’s more than enough for me to recover.”
Napangiwi siya nang gumuhit na sa lalamunan niya ang mapait na matamis na beer. Inihit pa siya ng ubo. Art gave her a wipe. Tinanggap niya ito’t ipinahid sa gilid ng mga labi niya.
“My parents abandoned me. That was in highschool. One of my dark eras.” Napasandal siya sa gilid ng counter, facing the glasswall few meters away.
Parang pinagkaisahan siya ng mundo nang pagkauwi niya sa eskuwelahan ay nakita niyang nasa sala silang lahat. She stared at them in disbelief when they announced that they’re officially annulled. Officially. Annulled.
They lied to her for years. Dahil ba mabigat na mabigat ang pakiramdam niya sa school pa lang ay hindi niya na lang napansin ang panlalamig ng mga ito sa isa’t isa? Huwad lang ba ang ipinapakita ng mga ito sa labas ng bahay nila? Parang lalagnatin siya isipin pa lang na gusto lang ng mga itong protektahan ang image at reputasyon ng mga ito? And she cared about that when she got bullied in school. She’s blaming her parents for the next miserable years. And she realized, being miserable for long was not entirely her parent’s faults. She inhaled the miserability like a drug.
Mapakla siyang natawa nang maalala ang kasiyahan sa mga mata ng mga kaibigan niya nang ibigay niya sa kanila ang mga pinamiling damit ng nanay niya.
“When our parents split. Unti-unti, umaalis na ang mga kapatid ko. Noong una, natutulog sila sa kanilang mga kaibigan. Ako? Nanatili sa bahay dahil wala namang akong kaibigan. Hanggang sa nag-alsa balutan na silang lahat. Hindi lang ako inabandona ng mga magulang ko. Pati ng mga kapatid ko.” Hindi niya na ininda ang pait na lasa ng beer.
Tahimik lang si Art, nakikinig lang sa kuwento niya. Saglit na namagitan ang katahimikan at tanging mga patak ng ulan ang pumainlanlang.
“They still give me grocery items. Clothes. Gifts at Christmas. New Years. Birthdays. Niyayaya nila akong magdaos ng Holidays sa kani-kanilang pamilya ngunit tinatanggihan ko sila. Matagal na palang huwad at isang kasinungalingan ang pagsasama nila. May mga affairs na pala sila during the time of their marriage. Lahat ng mga memories ko noong childhood, hindi ko alam kung totoong masaya ba sila o hindi,” mapait niyang paglalahad.
Singpait ng mga salita niya ang iniinom niyang beer. Hindi talaga siya umiinom ng alak. Ngayon lang, gusto niya lang ilabas ang sama ng loob niya. Ang mga hinanakit niya. Ang mga bumabagabag sa isip niya tuwing gabi. Kung bakit hindi siya makatulog kaagad.
“Now, tell me. Did they deserve to be forgiven by me?” She asked. Seryuso ang ekspresyon sa mukha ni Art, nangungunot ang noo.
“Mapapanatag ba ang loob mo kung patatawarin mo sila?”
“They’re my family. Kahit balik-baliktarin ko ang mundo, pamilya ko pa rin sila.” Napailing-iling siya. “We were raised in a culture where family matters the most. I can choose my friends but family I can’t.”
“I chose my family, Elora.” There was an air of serenity in his smile. Nangilid na naman ang mga luha niya. Namumula na rin ang mukha niya. She snatched a tissue and wiped the tears about to fall. Huminga siya nang malalim.
Lumakas lalo ang ulan sa labas kasabay ng kulog at kidlat.
“It’s your decision to burn bridges or build bridges.” Art said. Nilakasan nito nang kaunti ang boses nito dahil natatabunan ito ng buhos ng ulan. “How can you achieve peace when you didn’t have peace in you.”
Nanlamig siya. Tila may bumara sa lalamunan siya. Nanghihina ang mga kamay na ibinaba niya ang canned beer sa counter. Napayuko siya.
“Don’t lie to yourself for too long. Aren’t you tired of it all? It is your life. You’re the one who harnesses the reins. You have the power to stay away from people who dragged you down. You have the power to stay a win for the meantime to heal your wounds. Be brave enough to face what aches you, confronting of what it is.”
“I don’t want to live with lies anymore.” It was almost a whisper. Her voice was tired and she covered her face with her hand.
The pitter-patter of the raindrops outside reverberated and all she could hear were Art’s calm breaths and her aching heart.
VIII
Every night, he worked in a convenience store, and on days, he devoted himself to faith and his responsibility in the university, not because it was needed but because it was his soul’s desire. And he had to compromise his free time at night, working as a staff in a convenience store.
The tiredness from all day’s activities and drowsiness weren’t that dominantly prevailing in his body because a certain person kept him awake with her out-of-this-world questions. Coming from a woman who seemed to be different at night.
Oftentimes, he was in a corner, silently observing and lost in his thoughts. Lots of thoughts were trailing in his head, weighing decisions and views but mostly searching for truths especially when ordinariness couldn’t explain it further.
Some truths were hidden, mostly buried, and sometimes, remained a secret for a long and he realized that the mind works in different ways. And that you couldn’t force anyone into your opinions, or your views because the world tells you their versions of truths.
While he was contemplating the connection between humanity and extraordinariness, he saw how she laughed and smiled at some words she heard or heard from those people around her.
And sometimes, he wished he was simple-minded, not worrying beyond the offers of life and living. A person who could just normally walk, breathe, eat, and live at their pace, yet he was fooled. Forgetting that it could be dangerous to believe in a single story because a person could possess a tapestry of stories. They may be weave it separately or not. That there are two sides and more to listen to.
He was caught off-guard. She was completely different when she spoke to him. May mga gabi pa rin na hindi siya masanay-sanay na makita sitong nakasuot ng pajamas. Magulo minsan ang buhok. Kakaiba sa araw na tila kalkulado ang mga kilos nito. Kontrolado ang mga emosyon sa mukha. At nakikiayon na lang sa agos.
The next night, their short conversations started when she asked questions that were somehow beyond what a simple-minded person would ask. She asked about product warnings, signs on the road and in some establishments, the galaxies witnessing the creation of the world we live in, how short the human expectancy as the centuries unfold, how it could be possible to have parallel lives, Schrodinger’s cat, death, morbid things, and even the smallest details she managed to give multiple.
Questions that she also wondered a few times in his head and he found himself listening to her monologue because a part of him was amazed at how someone hides their true selves, afraid to show it to the world. But the nights, the barren road, the silence, and the crickets know her. Her thoughts. Her disposition.
Naisip niya kung bakit may mga taong mas pipiliing itago ang katotohanang iyon ng pagkatao ng mga ito.
He noticed how her eyes gave her away.
Tired from all of the pretending, of maintaining to be strong and okay when she’s not fine at all. Her questions sound like she’s using it as one of her escape.
She said that she didn’t care about how she looked when he was around because he had already seen her in a caught-off-guard situation the first time we bumped in the convenience store. That it’s okay for her to look stupid, crazy, and messy in front of me. It was a confession of a person who’s almost giving up on how others pictured her.
Suddenly, she’s tired of all the things she cared which turned out to be things that made her hate herself. And he only replied that this time, she would follow herself more, her heart and what her soul screams during her silence at night.
May mga bagay o pagkakataon na mananatili na lamang silang instrumento kung bakit nabubuhay sila sa mundong ito. May mga bagay namang maaari mang balikan ngunit hindi na katulad nang dati.
The nights riding on her bike, in her pajamas and strawberry milk. It’s in her to purge the chains that dragging her from the things she should have claimed. It didn’t matter if she was happy or not, content or not, but the fact she stepped up and listened to her voice more than the voices around her.
After that rainy night, he did not see her again. He didn’t see the bike, the lady who wears bear-printed pajamas of different colors. Glimpses of the wet streets and her figure on the bike were the last scenes he’d seen.
His contract as a staff ended a few months later. He didn’t see her anymore at their university. It was as if she was a mirage or being vacuumed by her other self in a different universe. Well, she taught him about that theory.
Years later, while waiting for the green light, he noticed a familiar woman on the other side of the street. Also waiting for the cars to stop. And then it dawned on him, she’s that girl trapped in the saltwater room, who loves to devour strawberry milk, wearing childish pajamas with her bikes and her endless questions about the universe.
While listening to that song, bigla na lang pumasok sa isip niya na siya ang babaeng na-trap sa saltwater room. And like that girl, she vanished liked an illusion. But I know better. She didn’t.
Gripping the strap of her book bag resembling the natural color of her hair.
She. Far from her usual short skirts and wedges, she wears jeans and Converse shoes. The light turned green when her eyes landed on me, particularly on his bag. He always used this bag and she recognized it. It was he who smiled first then she suddenly laughed, and merriment was visible in her eyes at last. It wasn’t forced like yesterday to look fine.
“You don’t know how my life turned upside down after that rainy night.” Her tone showed that it connoted good results. “But it’s worth it. Thank you.”
“It’s not easy but it’s worth it. And thank you too, you made my waking hours interesting and eventful with your relentless ponderings,” he said in a light tone.
“I burnt bridges.” She didn’t look sad at all.
“I kept your mundane playlist.” She chuckled.
She touched her hair. May mga orange highlights roon. “I’m loving the highlights. And I am not forced to have this to fit in.”
He grinned. “You don’t have to.”
She was about to say something when they noticed that the green light was gone and replaced by a red light. She ran to the other side where he came from, waved, and smiled the last time.
“See you around, Art!”
Kinawayan niya ito. “See you around, Elora.”
It’s a leap of faith and she wasn’t trapped anymore in a saltwater room. Or vacuumed in a different universe. Or having two souls in one body which she believed but the fact that she believed she could make it.
He walked to a convenience store meters away from the church he was serving and saw the product contents. He’s not the type of person who checked the product contents, he tasted it first and checked the label after.
It’s better that way.